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Recreating Family Dynamics in Adulthood
Whatever a person experiences in childhood, he carries with him into adulthood and often subconsciously reconstructs or repeats these dynamics in school, in the workplace, in clubs and organizations, in his own family, and if he seeks recovery, even in meetings at twelve o’clock steps. Whether these experiences are positive or negative in nature, they become internalized and accepted; and, if a person is to change any feelings, emotions, behaviors and reactions based on them, they must identify, understand, address, process and overcome them. It is unlikely that he will be able to do this on his own.
Since parents are not perfect and usually do their best based on the circumstances of their upbringing, no parent’s home can ever be a perfect environment in which a person can be fully prepared for life.
However, Anthony Stevens attempts to describe what an ideal home could theoretically look like in his book On Jung (Routledge, 1990, p. 97). “… Maturation occurs through a series of innate archetypal expectations, which the environment either succeeds or fails to fulfill,” he states. “The most important of these expectations are that the environment will provide adequate warmth and food for survival; family consisting of mother, father and peers; enough space to explore and play; safety from enemies and predators; a community that will provide language, myth, religion, ritual, codes of conduct, stories, values, initiatives and, ultimately, a mate; and economic role and/or professional status.”
Adult children who grow up with alcoholic, para-alcoholic, dysfunctional and even violent parents are powerless to fight, escape or even understand their circumstances and usually attribute any shameful, critical, blaming or harmful behavior to them as justified actions because of their own inadequacies, inferiority or just planning inadequacies. Forced, with no alternative, to flee inward and create a trauma-induced inner child arrested in time, they cease to develop, replacing their true self with a false or synthetic one, and unconsciously adopt survival traits through a rewired brain, as expected by similar circumstances in the outside world. which they were subjected to in the internal.
Some of these traits, developed to survive, endure, tolerate and adapt to unstable, insecure and even dangerous circumstances when maturity, tools and brain development were lacking, include isolation, fear of authority figures representing parents, approval seeking, fear anger and criticism, adopt addictions and compulsions, identify as victims, overdevelop their feelings of responsibility, habitually harbor fear, pity others instead of genuinely loving them, suppress childhood feelings to the point of numb destruction, fear abandonment, and be consistently reactive.
When a grown child finally leaves his homeland, he is not a blank slate starting anew in the world beyond his door. Rather, he carries with him all his experiences, understandings, feelings, fears, and defenses, and unconsciously anticipates and recreates them as he progresses through his life’s journey.
One of his “recreations” involves his subconscious need to continue re-enacting one or more family roles he may have adopted during his upbringing.
By becoming a hero, one of them, he rises intellectually and functionally above his pain and transforms himself into what the late recovery expert John Bradshaw called “a human work as opposed to a human being.” As an achiever, he can earn high grades in school, join extracurricular clubs, become captain of the soccer team, and win awards.
“A hero child in a dysfunctional family may be looking for good grades,” according to a textbook for adult children of alcoholics (World Services Organization, 2006, p. 98). “This is an honor student who shows the world that his family values education and is therefore stable.”
However, what it really is is the equivalent of a perfect family portrait where everyone wears suits, elegant dresses and smiles, but it misleads and dismisses opinions and masks the madness and chaos that can play out behind closed doors.
Other family roles include the mascot – or the child who constantly tries to break the tension with jokes and humor – and the lost child, who feels his environment is unsafe and so fades into the background, fails to express his opinion and is reduced to little more than a shadow that dances on the walls. He retreats inside, daydreaming in his room, escaping harsh reality through books and movies and detaching himself from his circumstances. Shrinking and creeping, one wonders if his image will actually appear in the mirror if he walks by.
The scapegoat, the fourth type, is the child who bears all the guilt, anger, responsibility, and shame, regardless of whether or not they have any part in the situation.
“Such survival roles usually have a durable life and remain fixed in our personalities long after we have left our unhealthy homes…”, according to the textbook Adult Children of Alcoholics (ibid, p. 98). “(Adult children) can look at their families and see the roles that are in place decades after the children have grown up and left the family.”
A hero, for example, can take on ever-increasing responsibilities at his job without even being compensated for them – nor, ironically, does he believe he deserves it. The mascot can understand humor only as a way to cope with tensions and troubles, because he has not been able to get any other tool for it. The Lost Child can quietly and inconspicuously perform his function at work, never hoping to be anything more than what his initial title suggests, and even that more than a few of his colleagues won’t know him by name. And the scapegoat, having acquired the hairpin trigger, can immediately accept responsibility for anything that is wrong or completely gone – he is so used to this interaction.
During the preparations for a recent surprise birthday party for one of the women in my office, for example, this family dynamic clearly played out. While many were setting plates, putting candles on the cake, and wrapping presents, one clerk, who I knew was a grown child, was looking for various items as she wrapped her gift.
“Do you have tape?” she asked. “Where are the scissors? Is that the only tape we have?”
Each time the tension seemed to build within her.
“Do you have a bow so I can finish wrapping this present for NADIA’S STUPID BIRTHDAY?” she finally screamed.
In disbelief, the others glanced at her, wondering how what should have been a pleasant occasion could be experienced with such emotional turmoil.
Looking at her, I calmly said, “It’s nice of you to join us for the party, Mr. Smith.
I knew she was acting out what her father always did at home and she was “bringing him” to the office. Parties were not pleasant occasions for her. Instead, they were filled with chaos and tension created by her paraalcoholic parent and it was all she knew as she relived the circumstances of her upbringing.
“By taking steps, the adult child realizes that family roles were needed for proximate protection in an unsafe home,” advises the textbook Adult Children of Alcoholics (ibid, p. 97). “We often feared for our safety and took on roles to disarm our parents.”
Indeed, the adult child’s place of employment represents a microcosm of his home of origin. Unrecovered, he carries this dynamic with him. Powerless again and struggling to determine his role, function and purpose within it, he may view his boss as an authority representing his parents, fearing him, but making great efforts to conceal this fact. He can reenact any number of survival traits and family roles, from people-pleasers to overachievers.
The Workplace Laundry List of Adult Children of Alcoholics, which includes ten traits in addition to the fourteen on the original laundry list, details these manifestations that were brought up.
“The Workplace Laundry List is a list of 24 statements that describe many of our thoughts and interactions at work…”, according to the textbook Adult Children of Alcoholics (ibid, pp. 416-417). “(It) shows how we can try to recreate our dysfunctional family roles at work or in some social settings.”
It is extensive and includes, to name just a few, seeing the boss as an alcoholic parent and a colleague as a brother or sister, feeling different from others, not being able to ask for help or guidance, fear of criticism, the need to please people, striving for perfection, becoming workaholics, they show a high tolerance for dysfunction and chaos and feel hurt when others exclude them from after-work functions and socializing.
Unresolved family fears, traumas, distrust, and distortions create walls that the adult child cannot penetrate or bypass without significant recovery and serve as barriers between him, others, the world at large, and the Higher Power of his understanding. Trying to see and understand God, in fact, can be nothing more than trying to see through a cracked glass.
“… Many of us have transferred the characteristics of our parents to God,” points out the textbook Adult Children of Alcoholics (ibid., p. 219). “We projected our abandoned parents onto a Higher Power, believing God to be vengeful or indifferent.” Even if we thought God was love, many of us secretly wondered if he really cared or listened.”
Twelve-step meetings may be the last place where family dynamics are recreated. Not knowing their structure, which includes their management by a Higher Power, the need to perform steps and traditions, and the rotation of official positions among those present, an adult child may mistakenly conclude that whoever first reads the introduction and introduces the topic must be an authority who is ” responsible for all that”. He may feel insecure and nervous. He may feel the need to be in control to foster a perception of security. And it may take several meetings before he dares his first performance, rehearsing it in his mind before he utters it, then berating himself afterwards when he realizes that he has failed to execute the perfect picture he intended. All of them are family dynamic recreations.
Whether a person is raised in an unstable, unsafe, dysfunctional home and therefore may be labeled an “adult child” or comes from a loving and supportive home, they subtly learn what they experience and anticipate the same conditions after leaving it. Both types subconsciously recreate and re-enact them at times, and both may not be aware that this dynamic is at play. However, if a person from a more negative environment wants to eradicate these behaviors, they must identify, examine, process, and transcend them through therapy and/or twelve-step processes.
“Adult children of alcoholics”. Torrance, CA: World Service Organization, 2006.
Stevens, Anthony. “About Jung.” New York: Routledge, 1990.
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