Are There More Man From U.N.C.L.E Movies Review of Nasha, a 2013 Bollywood Film Directed by Amit Saxena,Starring Poonam Pandey, Shivam Patil

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Review of Nasha, a 2013 Bollywood Film Directed by Amit Saxena,Starring Poonam Pandey, Shivam Patil

Ours gives teachers a bad name. Consider this. Anita is newly appointed in charge of extracurricular activities at a seemingly urban high school (with probably the dirtiest students, whose behavior should be justified here just because they’re “of age”). She plans to conduct a romantic play during the school year and wants her students to rehearse with her (why? And gets enthusiastic approval from the headmistress, who seems to have completely lost it). Surprisingly, every time only the main character Saahil and his bunch of idiots appear, as if there are only ten students in the whole school. The guys are just there to look at her, and our ‘innocent’ Anita never notices their constant staring, like she’s partially sighted or what?

Our drama teacher is so liberal that she joins them as they all sing a song together on an erection. On the field, that is, during rehearsals in her lavish home, she wants them to get into character (drama teacher Stanislavsky would be rolling and crying in his grave) and shows Saahil’s girlfriend how a lady should flirt. The character Anita most likely chose to play was a domino, because that alone can explain the way she corners Saahil and stands on top of him while his friends stare open-mouthed (who wouldn’t?). Saahil is in love with her and masturbates every night in bed fantasizing about her. That is until Anita’s beau Samuel shows up and the film takes a different but equally predictable turn. What is disturbing, very disturbing is Anita’s behavior as a teacher. She openly smokes and probably even French kisses Samuel in front of the kids during rehearsals. In one scene, he picks her up and carries her home in front of the students (since when is that considered professional?). When Saahil breaks down during a rehearsal, Samuel tells him, “Tere se nahi hoga, chal (You can’t do that. Move!’) and then romantically waltzes with his partner; I’d probably leave at that point and never come back.

Now believe this. The two guys wrestle for arms and later race to prove who is the better man. Samuel pushes Saahil to the ground during the race and the child begins to bleed. As Anita tends to Saahil’s wounds, Samuel inappropriately whispers to him that he finally got Anita’s attention. Samuel continues to apply whiskey to Saahil’s wounds, which annoys Anita even more. To reconcile, he takes Anita aside (about two steps away from Saahil) and whispers something to her. They immediately make up and start cuddling. Saahil gets up and leaves in a hurry. When they finish kissing, Anita notices Saahil’s absence and says,Arre, iech kaha gaia?‘ (Oh, where did he go?). Next time, why don’t you get a room instead of kissing in front of your student, also one who totally digs you?

After a while, the play was completely forgotten. The biggest problem with this movie is that Anita is not portrayed as a bad example of a teacher, although she sets a very bad example. Those who saw Cameron Diaz in the average comedy Bad Teacher will remember how her character enjoyed acting obnoxious with her students and colleagues. There is no indication that Anita’s behavior violates the teacher’s code of conduct; even the background score playing for her is sweet and positive. What’s also surprising is that the headmistress had no reservations or objections about her wardrobe, which mostly consisted of open tops and mini skirts (I’m not being haughty here. Any middle-aged Indian headmistress would directly object).

If teachers get a bad name, wait until you hear how male relatives are portrayed in Ours. Saahil lives with his dad and uncle; we also learn that Mom is dead and that the two men make jams for a living. Now try listening to this without exclaiming “What!!”. While Saahil is masturbating one night, his uncle (or dad. It’s interchangeable, really) walks into the room and tells him something like “Aur kitna karega?” (How much longer are you going to go on?). Saahil is embarrassed and stops, of course. Why on earth would a person enter a room knowing his son is masturbating inside? Even if he does it unknowingly, don’t you stop realizing and hurry back outside ? Why would he embarrass his nephew by telling him he was caught in the act? In another scene, Saahil’s father tells him “Porn dekhne ke bajaaie achi movie dekh” (Why don’t you watch some good movies instead of porn?” (Saahil jerks off to porn at that time). What!!!

Ours is also tormented by the three funniest songs in memory. What’s worse, we don’t get enough of what we came for, ie. nudity and sex (anyone who says “No. I’m here for directing and acting” is a fat liar). Poonam Pandey, known especially to cricket fans as ‘the girl who posed naked in a magazine after Kolkata Knight Riders won the IPL’, is sure to soon join the ‘Mahesh Bhatt Muse’ brigade along with Sunny Leone. Pandey has long and sexy legs, a lush bust, a beautiful back and a full butt, plus she is definitely more expressive than Leone. He has a wide manly-looking lower jaw, but still looks very flattering, especially in the right lighting. But Nasha doesn’t let it go until the end because of the censorship guards. Whenever the focus shifts from her body to her acting (not bad considering the ridiculous role she’s given to play), the result is a disappointing detumescence. The filmmakers don’t know what to focus on in Naša, the sex or the story. And unfortunately, they both get a bad name.

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